Do you ever feel like you just want to do everything for your child? So much that you can’t even fit it all in? I feel like that constantly. Maybe more so now that I feel like she’s missing out on so many different foods she should be trying. I admit to breaking down and crying, crying like a baby for my own baby. She’s at the age where she should be eating anything and everything her little stomach desires, instead she’s limited thanks to FPIES.
I should relish in the fact that she can eat, that she’s healthy, and I DO! I really do, don’t get me wrong – I can’t even explain how grateful I am to have a happy, healthy baby girl. However when she comes up to me and pushes away her num nums for my num nums.. I break. Into a million little pieces, my heart shatters. Sure you can have some of mommy’s food baby girl, is what I’d love to happen. However in reality if I go ahead and even give her a bite she could be vomiting uncontrollably and spending a night or more in the hospital.
It’s moments like that when I feel my weakest. Less than whole and like I’m depriving my child. We had gone down the shore for family vacation and we went to a family style restaurant where you share the meals. I brought baby her banana and her favorite berry snacks for after she nursed. I felt so good involving her and she even had a cup of water in a kiddie cup with a straw – I was SO happy – That moment I felt complete. Like it was okay, and everything will be fine, this moment was priceless. My family eating together, not at home, but in an actual restaurant. It was so beautiful, so perfect.
While we were waiting for our check a woman came up to me and told me how cute baby was. I thanked her and we started talking about our children. She then brought up “She can eat pasta, can’t she?”. Of course, hubby had mentioned she was staring at us eating the entire time. How could she be so quick to judge us? That’s human nature – everyone does it. In my mind how could she not think I’m doing such a good job – instead she thinks I’m leaving my daughter out. I felt so small..
From the outside it looks like I’m actually neglecting my daughter – how could that be even possible? I’m trying so hard! Then I explained to her. I told her everything. She apologized. We laughed, we talked more, and we ended up chatting for 20 minutes after we paid! She admired me, she told me how great of a mother I am, and how my daughter is so lucky to have a mother like me.
I realize I may not be able feed her anything and everything, but I would do anything and everything for my daughter. I am the lucky one.